A Blatant Phantom of the Opera Parody
by Yrch Monger
Summary: An even stranger version of Dario Argento's Phantom of the Opera. Read about Christine's lack of clothing, The Phantom's preferred position, and Raoul's inane ramblings about love. Don't forget to bring your mask because this story is FINISHED.
1. No Bra and No Mask

(The name of practically every person involved in the movie flashes on screen. It is, quite possibly, the most boring opening credits ever. After exactly one minute and five seconds several flashes of lightning appear. Followed by seventeen more seconds of credits.)

**A RANDOM RIVER**

(A woman has just thrown her baby into the river below. A man is comforting her.)

Man: Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.

Woman: Oh Mark, I love you.

(The baby meanwhile, safely in a basket, has made its way to an underground chamber filled with rats. The scene reminds the audience of the movie _Batman Returns_.)

Rat # 2: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Rat # 8: What's that Lassie? Erik's in trouble? 

(Lassie, the rat, jumps into the water and somehow pulls the baby to shore.)

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and the inhabitants of darkness. Or, in Layman's terms, the soon to be Phantom has a _mostly_ platonic relationship with the rats. 

**PARIS 1887- THE PARIS OPERA HOUSE**

(The pseudo Joseph Buquet, though not in name, is lowered into a horizontal tunnel and begins randomly hitting the wall with a hammer.)

Man # 1: Be careful. Seti was no fool.

(Just then, his hammer opens up a crack in the wall. Out of it, shoots a white bright light. He stares into it and it opens a lot more. Pseudo Joseph Buquet screams.)

Pseudo Joseph: Help! 

Man # 2: What's wrong?

Pseudo Joseph: Something is gnawing at my legs!

(The men raise him up, only to discover that the top half of his body is gone. They demonstrate their horrible acting skills only to get attacked by "the creature" as well.)

Rabid POTO phan in the audience: I hope that isn't Erik.

**THE STAGE**

(Christine enters and begins to sing. She gazes into the empty theatre and the set is as poor as her lip-synching skills.)

Christine (singing): I'm noooot weeearrrring a braaaa! Theeere is aaa creepy maaan staaariiing at meeee! He's thhhheee wooooorsssst Phaaaantttooooom I've eveeeer seeen! Noooooo maaaask!

Christine's maid Honorine (from offstage): Christine! (walks in) Oh, there you are. It's time to put on your costume and a (cough, bra, cough).

Christine: I'll be right there. I'm not done being ogled by the Phantom yet. 

(Honorine leaves and the Phantom ogles Christine some more. Then, she frolics off stage.)

**A HALLWAY**

(Christine sees the Phantom waiting for her and she decides to suddenly become modest.)

Christine: Beg pardon?

Phantom: I said nothing, but I thought it. Your music fills me with a divine light. Almost as divine as the one that greeted the workers before I ate their flesh.

Christine: Forget about me.

Phantom: I can't. Your music is sublime, beautiful, and you are too delicious to forget. White meat is my favorite you know. This will be our secret.

Christine: All right, I'll tell everyone that you like dark meat

Phantom: When you hear my thoughts you'll know where to go.

(He walks away, leaving Christine more confused than usual. She suddenly becomes schizophrenic.)

Christine: Yes, I can hear you. (as Gollum) Christine. My Precious. Christine Daae.

**BASEMENT**

(Ignace, the rat catcher, is busy resetting a trap.)

Ignace: Shit! It's cold! And I have the sudden urge to stick my hand in this trap.

(He tries to resist, but ends up impaling his hand anyway. Then the rats arrive and start eating his thumb.)

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the filthy rat catcher and the inhabitants of darkness.

Dario Argento: Quiet! I don't need you anymore. You did your voice-over, now get out.

Narrator: But I'm so lonely.

**CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM**

(Christine receives roses from Raoul, but can't help thinking about the telepathic/ mask-less/ nameless/ rat loving Phantom.)

Christine (singing): You'll be swell, you'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here, starting now, honey, everything's coming up roses... Blow a kiss, take a bow...

Honorine: SHUT UP!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For the most part, Erik will be referred to as the Phantom because in this movie version he has no name.

Also, I called the one worker pseudo Joseph Buquet because he does die at the hands of the Phantom (like Joseph) but there is a character already with the name Joseph Buquet in this version.

Special thanks to Pokey and Dippy for their input.


	2. Fop and Delectable Little Pheasant

**THE STAGE**

(Carlotta is singing in her "look at me I'm a diva" way and her assistant Marcel, who for all intensive purposes shall now be referred to as Sir Fopling, caters to her every whim. Christine is also there, but telepathically talking to the Phantom.)

Christine: No, I will not meet you in a rat costume. I don't care if it turns you on. (evil voice) Yes master, I will do as you say. Grrrrrrrr!

(While she is going temporarily insane, some men in the corner watch a group of young ballerinas practice. One of the cradle robbers, I mean men, decides to lure the young girls with Swiss chocolate.)

**THE DOCTOR'S QUARTERS**

(Dr. Princard examines Ignace's hand and Montluc stops by for a visit.)

Montluc (to Ignace): You are the head rat exterminator here at the Opera House, is that correct? 

Ignace: I actually prefer the term rat catcher, but that would be me. I have worked here for the last eight years and not once has water touched my skin. In that time, I have caught one million rats and I keep all their tails... in my pants.

Montluc: I hear that someone forced you to stick your hand in a rat trap.

Ignace: It wasn't someone, it was nothing. But it also wasn't something. It was nothing and no one, but not something. Or quite possibly something, but nothing.

Montluc: I'm confused.

Ignace: It was like a creature from hell.

Dr. Princard: The Olsen twins?

(Princard removes the rag covering Ignace's thumb. The bone is clearly protruding from the skin.)

Ignace: Is that my thumb?

Dr. Princard: No, this is my thumb. (pointing) That is your thumb.

Ignace: So it is. And you can see the bone! It's almost as egregious as my acting.

(He bends his thumb up and down just to prove his point.)

Princard (hitting Ignace over the head): Stop that! 

**BACKSTAGE**

(Christine meets up with the Phantom and rather than being romantic he decides to smell her.)

Christine: I basted myself with turkey juice. Do you like it?

Phantom: Of course my delectable little pheasant. But we can't talk now. I have to work on my plan that will have the world at our feet.

(He runs off leaving Christine to contemplate what he said. A young worker, Alfred, sees the Phantom and follows him as he leaves. He runs off to tell his girlfriend.)

**LAUNDRY ROOM**

Alfred (to Paulette): I saw the Phantom. It was...

Paulette: It was what?

Alfred: Better than dying a horrible death at the hands of a maniac. 

Paulette: What are you talking about?

Alfred: I don't know. But I have this horrible feeling that what I just said was foreshadowing. We'll talk about this later. Meet me after work.

**THE THEATRE**

(Madam Giry is polishing one of the boxes while she talks to Montluc.)

Madame Giry: The Phantom is not a legend. He is here in the Opera house and he exists. 

Montluc (sarcastically): Right, and I'm wearing a garter belt.

Madame Giry (lifting up his pant leg): You _are_ wearing a garter belt.

Montluc: Okay, bad example, but I still stand by my conviction.

Madame Giry: I have met him right here in this box. 

Rabid POTO phan: That's not even the right box!

Montluc: This box?

Rabid POTO phan: NO! BOX NUMBER FIVE! 

Madame Giry: He loves the underworld and the dark. They say a cold wind follows him.

(Suddenly, a cold gust of wind fills the box and they both run out the door.)

**ALFRED AND PAULETTE'S "ROOM"**

Paulette: Why did you follow him?

Alfred: There's a treasure down there.

Paulette: A treasure? I could live like a queen.

Alfred: And so could I.

(Then there's an unnecessary boob shot and the scene changes to what appears to be a restaurant.)

**INSIDE WHAT APPEARS TO BE A RESTAURANT**

(A very disgusting man with long black hair is waiting at an empty table. Christine shows up and sits down with him.)

Rabid POTO phan: If that's Raoul I'm going to...

Christine: You should be very happy with yourself Monsieur de Chagny.

(The POTO phan spontaneously combusts.)

Raoul: What have I done?

Christine: You know very well. 

Raoul: Look, I didn't mean to set the cat on fire, it was an accident.

Christine: I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the roses. I prefer simple flowers like the Zephyranthes grandiflora, or the Hibiscus mutabilis. Plus, your note upset me.

Raoul: Right. But, will you at least allow me to be your friend?

Christine: No, I will allow you to be the brother I never had.

Raoul: Can I be the kind of brother who sleeps with his sister?

Christine: I'll have to think about that.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And now for a word I found "in" an online dictionary:

Fops' Alley- the passage between the benches right and left of the old opera-house


	3. Near Fatal Woundings and Drunken Mules

**BENEATH THE OPERA HOUSE**

(Paulette and Alfred are searching for the Phantom's treasure.) 

Paulette: What did the Phantom look like?

Alfred: He was dressed all in black with a black leather cape.

Paulette: Like Batman?

Alfred: Hey, Master Bruce can do whatever he wants. Besides, we're supposed to be looking for the treasure.

(They get separated for a few moments and the Phantom grabs Alfred.)

Phantom: I understand you're here to steal my treasure.

Alfred: Please, please don't hurt me Mr. Phantom.

(The POTO phan somehow transforms back to their original state.)

Phantom: I'm not a phantom, I'm a rat.

Rabid POTO phan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Only to combust again once the previous line is uttered.)

Phantom: MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(He unceremoniously tosses Alfred onto a stalagmite below.)

Paulette: Alfred! Alfred!

(She comes upon his impaled body and screams like a banshee, thus alerting the Phantom's attention.)

Paulette: You killed my boyfriend!

Phantom: Come now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. In fact, since the tragic death of your boyfriend...

Paulette (seeing Alfred move a little) He's not quite dead.

Phantom: Since the near fatal wounding of your boyfriend...

Paulette: He's getting better.

Phantom: For, since your own boyfriend... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (chokes Alfred until he stops moving)

Paulette: Oh, he's died.

(Paulette runs away to hide amongst the rocks, only to be caught and have her tongue bitten off anyway because she's a freak who screams with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.)

**ROOFTOP**

(The Phantom is looking at the stars when he starts to see visions. The first vision is of a flaming rat trap with naked people caught inside of it. His second vision is of a very scantily clad Christine. Scantily clad enough to put Bonnie Tassels to shame.)

**THE STAGE**

(Carlotta lost her voice, so Christine is practicing to possibly replace her in an upcoming performance. Both the Phantom and Raoul watch her sing.)

Christine (singing): Stiiiiiiil nooooot weaaaring a braaaaaa! Buuut yoooou caaaan't tell becaaaauuuseee I'm weeeeeaaaaaring blueeeee! I'm goiiiinng to faaaaiinnnnnt liike a druuunken muuule noooooow! 

(She faints.)

**CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM**

(Christine reawakens in her dressing room surrounded by people. Dr. Princard ushers everyone out and tells Christine to get some rest.)

Phantom (appearing out of nowhere): Surprise! Did you miss me?

Christine: Of course I did my furry little vagabond.

Phantom: Christine, I have something to tell you. I have a tail.

Christine: You mean you have a story?

(Just as he's about to reply, Raoul opens the door a little bit to see if anyone is inside. They both get silent. Once Raoul leaves, Christine exits into the hallway and the Phantom goes through the secret passageway. Raoul sneakily hurries into her dressing room and investigates.)

Raoul: You can come out now if you promise to behave. Christine. Christine. Oooh! Gone again!


	4. The Sex Den and the Conniption Fit

**THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN PARIS**

(Jerome takes his brother Raoul to a brothel/ sex den where he smokes a hookah and hallucinates. Nearby, two men are arguing, fully clothed, in the swimming pool.)

Jerome: I think Billy and his boyfriend are playing water polo.

Raoul: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco!

Jerome: Polo! Man, that's a good game.

(They both go back to their whores, but Raoul begins to imagine that his is Christine.)

Raoul: Christine? Is that you Christine?

Whore: No darling, it's not Christine. I'm Rose, Rose Velvet Lips. 

Raoul: Tonight you are my Christine.

(He kicks her and has a conniption fit. In the process, he flings his hair at his brother and starts to cry.)

**BACKSTAGE**

(The Swiss Chocolate pervert is forcing chocolate into the mouth of a young ballerina, Penelope. She runs downstairs.)

Swiss Chocolate Monger: Wait for me my little sugar plum. Wait! Wait for me! I don't want to hurt you, I just want your life.

(The Phantom attacks and the candy flies everywhere.)

Phantom: What the hell are you, a piñata? 

(The pervert dies a bloody death and the Phantom allows Penelope to leave.)

**RAT CATCHER'S HUMBLE ABODE**

(Ignace works on the rat catcher mobile/ vacuum while his dwarvish friend runs around cutting off rat tails.)

Dwarf: At least I'm not a devil midget.

**CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM**

Phantom's Disembodied Voice: Christine. Christine, come to me. 

Christine: Yes master.

Phantom: And bring me a human sacrifice if you have time.

(She heads downstairs and a dramatic gust of wind greets her. Why it's windy underground no one knows, but she goes anyway.)

**UNDERGROUND **

(Ignace and The Dwarf ride around catching rats and laughing like idiots. The machine itself looks like something out of a B movie from the 80's.)

Ignace: Someone's in my fruit cellar.

Dwarf: Groovy

(The rat catcher mobile crashes. Ignace gets maimed and the Dwarf loses his head. Literally.)

Ignace: I knew I should have installed brakes.


	5. A Pirate and a Less Rabid Phan

**UNDERGROUND**

(Christine wanders about and at the same time looks like she's on crack. She comes across the boat, gets in and starts to row.)

Pirate in audience (now standing): Who stands up to row, honestly. This movie is just riddled with inaccuracy. (notices people staring at him) I mean, argh, shiver your timbers and swab the deck because I spots me a whale. Argh.

(Once Christine sees where the Phantom lives she ties up the boat and goes inside. He is playing the organ and she sings for him.)

Christine: Did the rats teach you how to play that?

(Then they have sex. Randomly.)

Asia Argento: Daddy, I'm sick of doing sex scenes in your movies.

Dario Argento: Quiet you little slut. You'll have sex and you'll like it, or no allowance for you.

(Next, he decides to sodomize her.)

Christine: But my love, I don't pound butt.

Phantom: No, but your shoes say you take it in the butt.

(When they're finally finished, the Phantom gives Christine his ring.)

Different less rabid POTO phan: Hey, that was actually in the book.

**CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM**

Honorine (to Raoul): I'm sorry but she's been missing for the past four hours.

Raoul: Do you know where she went?

Honorine: No, but she kept chanting something about a sacrifice. Does that mean anything to you?

Raoul: No. Well, please tell her I'm looking for her.

(He leaves and there is a shot of a fly traveling around the room.)

Fly: This is _What's the Buzz_, starring me, Philomena Fly.

(Honorine throws her shoe at the fly opening up the secret passageway behind Christine's mirror.)

**UNDERGROUND**

(Ignace is crawling around, looking for a way out while Christine plays the organ.)

Phantom: It is time for you to replace Carlotta. Stay here.

Christine: No, I'm coming with you.

Phantom: Stay here.

Christine: No.

Phantom: Yes.

Christine: No.

Phantom: Yes.

Christine: Rabbit season.

Phantom: Duck season.

Christine: Rabbit season.

(The Phantom pushes her to the ground and runs to the boat. Christine is left alone and starts to cry.)

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and his whore.

Dario Argento: I thought I told you to leave.

Narrator: I know, but it's so hard to find work and I think I'm falling in love with you Dario. 

Dario (taking out a gun): Get down on your knees and tell me you love me. 

(A gunshot is heard and the movie continues.)

**CARLOTTA'S DRESSING ROOM**

(Carlotta is busy getting ready and Sir Fopling is nancing about the room cleaning.)

Carlotta: Fop, oh fop! Could you please go get my other costume.

Sir Fopling (foppishly): Yes Madame.

(After he leaves she hears the Phantom speaking to her.)

Phantom's Disembodied Voice: You will not sing Romeo and Juliet. If you defy me I will punish you Jabba the Hutt.

Carlotta: I am not Jabba the Hutt. Bee kee coco raca.

Sir Fopling (somewhere in the distance): Carlotta please help me! Carlotta!

(She goes to look for him, but walks right past his body. She is accosted by the Phantom. He decides to rip open her dress and scratch her boob. Even after all this she is still determined to sing.)

**THE THEATRE**

(The Phantom pounds at the chandelier's support.)

Less rabid POTO phan (sarcastically): Gee, I wonder what's going to happen now.

(The chandelier collapses and many people die unrealistic looking deaths. In the process, a piece of scenery falls on Carlotta's head.)

Carlotta: I hate Mondays.


	6. A Peep Show and a Birdcage

**UNDERGROUND**

(Christine looks very pensive as she ponders her fate.)

Christine: What's happening here? Where's my name-less love? Where's anybody? If only I hadn't made this journey. If only I hadn't gotten in that boat. If only I were amongst friends, or sane persons. Oh my love, what have you done?

(She stares into the candle in front of her and starts singing.)

Christine (singing): Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened? Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes, which one are yours? 

(The Phantom is rowing, and having a very difficult time because he's standing up, back to his lair and Christine runs out to wait for him.)

Christine: You're late.

Phantom: For a very important date. I know. But, more importantly, you shall play Juliet and I will be there with you.

Christine: I don't want the role and I don't want to be raped either.

Phantom: Who said I was going to rape... Now that's an idea.

(He decides to rape her. In the ass of course.)

**THE PHANTOM'S BEDROOM**

Phantom: Don't worry, you'll get used to being tortured, raped, and locked in a birdcage from now on.

Christine: Birdcage?

(The Phantom's need to feel manly continues and Ignace, who is still wandering around by the way, happens to watch all this through a hole in the "wall.")

Ignace: Free peep show. It's my lucky day. (He giggles like a schoolgirl and looks away.) I can't watch, I can't. (He looks back.) Well, maybe just a little bit more.

(Christine wakes up later to discover that she is even more disheveled and scantily dressed than before. So, in her usual crack induced stupor she wanders about until she finds the Phantom who just happens to be sticking rats down his pants. Which ruined his platonic relationship with them up until this point.)

Phantom (singing): One hundred rats crawling around my lair. One hundred rats crawling around. Take one down, put it in my pants, ninety-nine rats crawling around my lair.

(Christine, horrified by this display of beastiality, runs from the room and escapes in the boat. The Phantom decides to emerge when she's just far enough away where he can't catch her.)

Phantom (thinking): She's not in my bed with it's luxurious pink sheets, she's not under the rug. Where could she be? Let me think. I left her alone and I left the boat right where she could steal it. So, if I were a whore, where would I be? A street corner? No, there are no street corners underground.

(twelve hours later)

Phantom: Wait, I could use my telepathic powers to find her. (He has visions of Christine running rampant through Mardi-Gras.) So that's where a whore would go. A _Girls Gone Wild_ taping. (He discovers her shoes on the floor.) And I can use these as a make shift boat.

**UNDERGROUND**

Raoul: Christine! Christine!

Christine: Oh my other love, thank God I found you.

(She clings to him madly.)

Raoul (smiling): I guess I am that kind of brother.

Christine: How did you find me?

Raoul: Well, I heard that _Girls Gone Wild_ would be shooting beneath the Paris Opera House, so naturally I came looking for you here. That or, I traveled through the secret passageway behind your mirror. I really don't remember, too much hookah.

**CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM**

Raoul: My darling, you're wearing more clothes than usual. What's wrong?

Christine: There's so much darkness inside of me.

Raoul: I know, but there's nothing to be frightened of. Except possibly my face, but that's not important right now. What's important is having you right here, right now, on this floor. 

Christine: I can't. I can't play tiddly-winks with your heart anymore. It's all a lie. There is another, my love. A love who can be such a gently rapist when he isn't teaching the rats to fondle him.

Raoul: You're talking crazy talk and I'm so confused already. I mean, why do I have black hair, why are you so unbelievably slutty, why do strange girls screaming, "Erik forever!" chase me through the streets holding pitchforks?

Christine: That doesn't matter. (pointing to his head) All that matters is what's in here.

Raoul: Then you're screwed.

Christine: At least I'm used to it. Now, let's go make out on the roof.

**ROOFTOP**

Christine: I need help. Mental help.

Raoul: Don't worry, our love is the life-preserver that will keep us afloat. Our love is the donkey when you need a lift. Our love is like a thousand gumdrops raining down on a monkey with herpes who finds himself magically cured. Our love...

Christine: Please, be quiet.

Raoul: Sorry.

(They kiss. The Phantom watches this display of "affection" and begins to cry.)

Phantom: I will fall in despair and lose all hope without this girl who does not know my name. For who could ever learn to love a beast? (smiling) Wait a minute, I'm not deformed. I can still find love. (singing) Blue skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face. Brush off the clouds and cheer up... (He skips away merrily.)

Honorine: Come quick, the Maestro needs to speak with you. You'll never guess what happened.

Christine: You found a way to cure my crabs?

Honorine: No, even better. You are going to be Juliet.

**THE THEATRE**

(Christine sings and glances up happily at box thirteen. She is relieved by the fact that the Phantom is not there watching her.)

Christine (singing): Whyyyyyyy am I nooooot singiiiing Faust? Whyyyy am III singiiiiingggg thiiisss? (all of a sudden she reverts to show-tunes) Let me entertain you, let me make you smile. Let me do a few tricks, some old and then some new tricks. I'm very versatile.

(Ignace finally makes his way back to the Opera House and decides to wander on stage.)

Ignace (pointing at Christine): It's the PHANTOM'S WHORE!

(The Phantom flies down from the rafters like Batman and takes Christine with him. Ignace rounds up a hunting party and Raoul tries to be a hero and goes off on his own.)

**UNDERGROUND**

Phantom (looking down at Christine): MINE! (hiss) My... Precious!

(Christine hits him in the head with a rock and screams for help. Of course, Raoul hears her shrieks.)

Christine (looking at the wound she inflicted): Forgive me my love. Forgive me.

Phantom: You're almost as bi-polar as me. I knew that we'd be perfect together.

(They run off, with the hunting party not far behind.)

Raoul: Christine! Christine, the stress of having lost you has caused my hair to come out of its ponytail! Christine, you must stop this madness! Oh look, a conveniently placed gun. (He picks it up, only to come across them three minutes later.)

Phantom (to Raoul): Hiding behind your gun?

Raoul: No, I always hide behind my mass of oily hair first and my gun second.

Phantom: But you're still hiding behind your gun. 

Raoul: Actually, I'm hiding behind my bullet.

(Raoul shoots the Phantom, but feels bad once he sees Christine's reaction.)

Christine: Let my love be a bullet proof vest for your body.

Phantom: That's a wonderful idea. I knew that you would prove to be useful one day.

(He places Christine's in front of him, after discovering her true purpose in life, as a human shield.)

Phantom: We can't stay Christine, if they catch you they'll kill you.

Less rabid POTO phan: That made no sense! They wouldn't kill her for being kidnapped! 

(The less rabid POTO phan grabs a gun and heads off to find Dario Argento. The theatre is now empty of all phans, the majority having either killed themselves or set off on murderous rampages.) 

Phantom: Help me! Help her!

(Raoul, Christine, and the Phantom head to the boat. Raoul and Christine leave and the Phantom decides to stay behind and get shot.)

Phantom: Love will save me. (The hunting party shoots him four more times.) I guess I've been sadly mislead.

(There is a horrible fight scene in which Ignace and several name-less character actors die.)

Christine: My love! Don't leave me with this out of canon Raoul! My love!

Phantom: STELLA! I mean, HEATHCLIFF! I mean, CHRISTINE!

(The Phantom is stabbed and falls into the water below.)

Pirate: Argh, he's going to Davey Jones' locker. Argh.

(The ring he gave to Christine falls into the water. It is the first hint of symbolism in the entire movie. Christine has a seizure as Raoul rows farther away from "shore.") 

Raoul: Don't worry Christine, you'll always have me.

(She cries even louder. Dramatic music starts to play and... )

**THE CREDITS ROLL**

(The Phantom wakes up in a room full of light. His wounds are healed and he's alive. Someone emerges from the corner.)

Being of Light: So, you like Opera singers huh?

(The room becomes dark and the Being transforms into the Devil. A big burly man dressed like Christine and wearing a wig picks up the Phantom and carries him off.)

Big Burly Man: I'll show you an angel of music.

Phantom: Save me Jebus!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The very last chapter will be the spoof guide. Alert: shameless plug in...

(6.... 5.... 4.... 3.... 2.... 1....)

Read my story Guys and Balrogs. It has Phantom references a plenty.


	7. The Whore and the Spoof Guide

Phantom of the Alternate Script: Spoof Guide

**CHAPTER ONE:**

Man: Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.

Woman: Oh Mark, I love you.

_* Explanation: On an episode of South Park, Cartman decides to start collecting T-Cells to save Kenny's life. He convinces a couple to have an abortion causing the conversation above to occur._

(The baby, safely in a basket, has made its way to an underground chamber filled with rats. The scene reminds the audience of the movie _Batman Returns_.)

_* Explanation: In the movie Batman Returns the very first scene shows the Penguin (as a baby) thrown off a bridge and into a river. His bassinet arrives inside a cave where he is greeted and then raised by penguins. _

Rat #2: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Rat #8: What's that Lassie? Erik's in trouble?

_* Explanation: Timmy, the main character in the show Lassie was always falling into a well or trapped in an abandoned mine and the dog, Lassie would always warn the mother. I just replaced Timmy with Erik (The Phantom's name in the Gaston Leroux novel) and voila. _

Man # 1: Be careful. Seti was no fool.

(Just then, his hammer opens up a crack in the wall. Out of it, shoots a white bright light.)

_* Explanation: This scene reminded my friend Pokey and I of the part in The Mummy when the workers open up a secret compartment. When they do get it open, a little trap appears and the workers are melted. So, I put what the Egyptologist says right before they're killed._

(She starts walking and suddenly becomes schizophrenic.)

Christine: Yes, I can hear you. (as Gollum) Christine. My Precious. Christine Daae.

_* Explanation: In The Lord of the Rings, there is a creature named Gollum who used to one of the river-folk. He became obsessed with the One Ring (his Precious) and began talking to his other personality Sméagol. _

Christine (singing): You'll be swell, you'll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Starting here, starting now, honey, everything's coming up roses... Blow a kiss, take a bow...

_* Explanation: This song, sung by Bette Midler (hiss), just seemed right. Christine got roses and in the third scene she took a bow and blew a kiss. _

**CHAPTER TWO:**

(Carlotta is singing in her "look at me I'm a diva" way and her assistant Marcel, who for all extensive purposes shall now be referred to as Sir Fopling, caters to her every whim.)

_* Explanation: In British Lit. class we read a mock epic called The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope and a character was mentioned named Sir Fopling who was also the main character in a comedy called Sir Fopling Flutter. Marcel seemed very foppish to me._

Ignace: It was like a creature from hell.

Dr. Princard: The Olsen twins?

_* Explanation: Words cannot describe how much I hate the Olsen twins. Well maybe a few choice words, but I don't want to be a bitch. SLUTS! (cough, HERPES MONGERS! Cough,  WALKING STDS! cough) Now that I've got that out of my system..._

Madame Giry: I have met him right here in this box. 

Rabid POTO phan: That's not even the right box!

Montluc: This box?

Rabid POTO phan: NO! BOX NUMBER FIVE!

_* Explanation: The box in this movie was on the wrong side. I think it was actually box thirteen. When I went to France I tried to get inside box five to take pictures for my friend Pokey, but the door was locked. I was very angry, but not angry enough to want to get arrested._

**CHAPTER THREE:**

Paulette: What did the Phantom look like?

Alfred: He was dressed all in black with a black leather cape.

Paulette: Like Batman?

Alfred: Hey, Master Bruce can do whatever he wants.

_* Explanation: Batman, or Bruce Wayne had a butler named Alfred._

Paulette: You killed my boyfriend!

Phantom: Come now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. In fact, since the tragic death of your boyfriend...

Paulette (seeing Alfred move a little) He's not quite dead.

Phantom: Since the near fatal wounding of your boyfriend...

Paulette: He's getting better.

Phantom: For, since your own boyfriend... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (chokes Alfred until he stops moving)

Paulette: Oh, he's died.

_* Explanation: Basically, this is taken, almost word for word from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sir Lancelot bursts into a castle and kills the majority of the guests attending a wedding. This conversation takes place between Herbert's father and some random guest and they're discussing the "death" of the bride's father. _

(The Phantom is looking at the stars when he starts to see visions. The first vision is of a flaming rat trap with naked people caught inside of it. His second vision is of a very scantily clad Christine. Scantily clad enough to put Bonnie Tassels to shame.)

_* Explanation: My gym class decided that Bonnie Tassels was a good porn star name._

Phantom: Christine, I have something to tell you. I have a tail.

Christine: You mean you have a story?

_* Explanation: In Shallow Hal, Hal's friend tells him he has a tail and Hal says, "you mean you have a story."_

Raoul: You can come out now if you promise to behave. Christine. Christine. Oooh! Gone again!

_* Explanation: This is from the movie Nightmare Before Christmas. Dr. Finklestein goes to check on Sally, only to discover that she had escaped again. _

**CHAPTER FOUR:**

(Nearby, two men are arguing, fully clothed, in the swimming pool.)

Jerome: I think Billy and his boyfriend are playing water polo.

Raoul: Maybe they're playing Marco Polo. Marco!

Jerome: Polo! Man, that's a good game.

_* Explanation: In the movie Billy Madison he has a fight with his girlfriend in a swimming pool. His friends wake up in a drunken stupor and try to make sense of what they see._

Raoul: Christine? Is that you Christine?

Whore: No darling, it's not Christine. I'm Rose, Rose Velvet Lips. 

Raoul: Tonight you are my Christine.

_* Explanation: The Phantom in the Robert Englund version says this to Christine after she sings for him._

Swiss Chocolate Monger: Wait for me my little sugar plum. Wait! Wait for me! I don't want to hurt you, I just want you life.

_* Explanation: The character of Renfield in Mel Brookes' Dracula Dead and Loving It screams the, "I don't want to hurt you I just want your life," line while trying to catch a fly._

Dwarf: At least I'm not a devil midget.

_* Explanation: Once again, the Robert Englund version of Phantom, in which the Phantom sells his soul to a devil midget._

(The machine itself looks like something out of a B movie from the 80's.)

Ignace: Someone's in my fruit cellar. Someone with a fresh soul.

Dwarf: Groovy

_* Explanation: These lines come from the movie Evil Dead 2. Ignace's line is said by the Henrietta Demon when Ash falls into the fruit cellar where she was buried and the Dwarf's line is said by Ash throughout the movie itself._

**CHAPTER FIVE:**

(Next, he decides to sodomize her.)

Christine: But my love, I don't pound butt.

Phantom: No, but your shoes say you take it in the butt.

_* Explanation: On South Park everyone becomes Metro-Sexual, which is basically where you look and act gay, but you're not. The gay character, Mr. Garrison starts to hit on these Metro-Sexual men and the conversation above occurs._

(There is a shot of a fly traveling around the room.)

Fly: This is _What's the Buzz_, starring me, Philomena Fly.

_* Explanation: Philomena Fly, a fly, was on a short show called What's the Buzz that was sometimes on Nickelodeon. The camera work in this movie looked just like it did on Nickelodeon._

Christine: Rabbit season.

Phantom: Duck season.

Christine: Rabbit season.

_* Explanation: On Looney Tunes, Bugs and Daffy would always argue about whether it was rabbit season or duck season._

Narrator: Thus by chance, a mysterious bond is forged between the abandoned child and the his whore.

Dario Argento: I thought I told you to leave.

Narrator: I know, but it's so hard to find work and I think I'm falling in love with you Dario. 

Dario (taking out a gun): Get down on your knees and tell me you love me. 

_* Explanation: The very last line is from the movie that Kevin liked to watch in Home Alone. _

Phantom's Disembodied Voice: You will not sing Romeo and Juliet. If you defy me I will punish you Jabba the Hutt.

Carlotta: I am not Jabba the Hutt. Bee kee coco raca.

_* Explanation: Jabba the Hutt was basically a gross green slug type gangster in Star Wars. The Bee kee coco raca thing is somewhat how he sounds when he talks._

**CHAPTER SIX:**

Christine: What's happening here? Where's my name-less love? Where's anybody? If only I hadn't made this journey. If only I hadn't gotten in that boat. If only I were amongst friends, or sane persons. Oh my love, what have you done?

(She stares into the candle in front of her and starts singing.)

Christine (singing): Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me not be frightened? Looking at the skies I seem to see a million eyes, which one are yours?

_* Explanation: The first part of Christine's diatribe is based on Janet's from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. She too is looking for someone, but it's her fiancée Brad. The song is from Yentel starring Barbra Streisand (hiss). Her character has a candle in front of her and is singing to her dead father. _

Christine: You're late.

Phantom: For a very important date.

_* Explanation: The White Rabbit's song from Alice in Wonderland. The wording isn't exactly right, but it's close._

Phantom: Don't worry, you'll get used to being tortured, raped, and locked in a birdcage from now on.

Christine: Birdcage?

_* Explanation: In the 1990 version of Phantom of the Opera, Erik locks Christine in what looks like a birdcage._

Phantom (singing): One hundred rats crawling around my lair. One hundred rats crawling around. Take one down, put it in my pants, ninety-nine rats crawling around my lair.

_* Explanation: To the tune of One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall._

Raoul: Then you're screwed.

Christine: At least I'm used to it. Now, let's go make out on the roof.

_* Explanation: In the movie Empire Records, Deb and Gina (the slut) are reading a list of rules about the company that is going to take over the record store where they work. When they're finished, Deb says, "We're both screwed. At least you're used to it."_

Phantom: For who could ever learn to love a beast?

_* Explanation: From the opening of Beauty and the Beast_

Christine: (all of a sudden she reverts to rap) Let me entertain you, let me make you smile. Let me do a few tricks, some old and then some new tricks. I'm very versatile.

_* Explanation: This song is Let Me Entertain You from Gypsy. Why did she start singing this? Because I didn't feel like adding all those extra letters to her words, and because this Christine is a huge whore._

Phantom: STELLA! I mean, HEATHCLIFF! I mean, CHRISTINE!

_* Explanation: Stella was screamed in A Streetcar named Desire and Heathcliff was screamed in the movie version of Wuthering Heights. (Never read the book Wuthering Heights. Ever. It's evil.)_

Phantom: Save me Jebus!

_* Explanation: Homer Simpson says this on an episode where PBS is after him._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And now you are free from the torment that is this story. Look for Curse of the Mummy's Alternate Script Returns in the next few weeks. 

Free, free, the sky is your playground!


End file.
